Repentance ; it's an attitude of the heart

Repentance, the daily intake of fresh life giving heart exchange, his for mine.
Shucking off the old and embracing the Him.
 Repentance, an attitude of a heart that yearns for more of Papas love and affection. Repentance, the always open door my heart to his. Not a have too, not a I should, but a word that describes the freedom of a natural flow of living loved.
It is the result of love's incredible force rushing toward the desired object of its affection. It is the homecoming rush of lovers as they race to each other.
 Repentance, not just a word or an action but a sweet part of who my Papa is, the eternal open hug, open invitation of all he is.
Oh come, drink deep from a well that shall never run dry and every slurp is a surprise.

Extraordinary Day

 On a lazy October day the sun warmed the two brothers as they pressed apple cider from an old press. Talk was as easy as the unforced turning of the fall colors around them. Topics were not the value, just being there was, because there, was a fine place to be. A couple dogs wandered around as the two brothers tasted their cider eventually  3 salmon were cleaned and the two decided to go fishing. Several miles away at a friends house the two of them took an old 12 foot aluminum skiff found a stick for a boat plug grabbed two old oars and set off in a beautiful little cove in search of fish or to just live this day the way it was suppose to be lived. The tiny cove sided with tall trees, gentle sloping gravel beds topped with clam shells, little juttings of land that caused twists and turns and that special October sun that reminds us that this too will pass surrounded them. With one oarlock broken the younger brother paddles while the ancient brother rows. Memories,questions, philosophy, blended into the afternoon sun. Agenda-less, unrushed, natural they become the day. Two beautiful mallards flew to the sky as they came to the end of the little cove, a couple old derelict boats tucked in the woods seemed content in their resting place with maple leaves, cedars bows canopying their bed. The tide moved slow as the two brothers rowed, and it matter not that a line was never casted. What was shared, was they were brothers, held together not by what they were doing but by who they were on the inside. The I can't really see or understand why but it's there, you are a part of me and I value you. Your worth is a part of mine and on this day we shared the who of who we are and it is good. We said good by and both knew what words cannot convey you are my extraordinary brother that  I love on this extraordinary day.

We Forget

Easy like breathing we forget we are with the Father. The direction we point our brain contracts our attention to the point of forgetting over and over again until PING! Our recollection is stirred that I am loved and I wonder why I ever forgot. The more loved I live life ,the more love I will give. resulting in enjoying the friendship, freedom, and mindfulness of his presence. Through the eyes of love, God directs our life, settles our minds and shows us in a million ways we are his and loved. On the canvas of love the beauty of all he has created is a testimony of his affection for little me. So like little kids we keep coming back for we know a wonderful, safe and loving thing when we see it.

Cherish is the Word

God gives many gifts, quiet, tucked in, surprises of value so intensely profound yet so subtly placed,it is his trademark.
 This morning I woke to the thought of my Dad cherishing me.It was one of those things where I couldn't see me, I could only see the torso of my Father arms reaching out to me cherishing his  young son.
 It wasn't an experience where I wept, it was a time when I saw truth.  It was a gift from my Heavenly Papa about my earthly Papa
. In my struggles of growing up as a kid, I took on the joys and excitement of being the bad kid, I drove everyone nuts. In the process I started to believe that what I did or didn't do defined who I was. At the same time as I formed what I thought was my own definition of my self,I also defined what others thought of me and kept them as truth. These made up truths were not accurate they were contrived by my perception and of course I kept building and building a bigger case that my perception was right. But it wasn't.  My eyes only saw what my eyes wanted to see. You see there IS something of value in me worth loving. Even if I can't see it, even if my memories can't recall it, my dad did cherish me. He might of had a tough time standing me but he did cherish me. He might not know how to communicate it, but the truth is he did cherish me. My heavenly Papa is in the process of untwisting the idea that I am cherishable and cherished not based on my merit but because he said I am worthy to be cherished. It is a

s if he is saying "Ted welcome to the wonders of my love,I am the untwist-er and set righter of all things in which you can trust. And I love you, I love you, I love you! Remember that old pop song it goes "cherish is the word I used to describe, all the feelings that I have hiding here for you inside, you don't know how many times I wish I could told you, you don't know how many times I wish I could hold you, you don't know how many times I wish I could mold you into something that would make you cherish me as much as I cherish you." Father thank you for another verse of I love you, I love you, I love you.

Interlude

The peace of the night is a balm that stops so much of the hurriedness,there is a comfort that this day will rest when the sun goes down. The darkness narrows my heart to myself and the father and in the silence our souls lies deep together. I love the together of us, the life that I am in him, and need not self, to be self, is rest. I do not always live in this state fully but when I respond to just being in him without words, he is my spring of life in a deep pool of peace. I am reminded of the first line of that old hymn "I go to the garden alone..." I go alone to not be alone. Interlude, the break between the hurriedness of life. As I write this, this is my interlude I do not know how many tomorrows but I have the sweet gift of my interlude to savor now. How many sweet and precious people did I talk to today, and now I relax and thank Papa. I hear" Ted, I let you do this in remembrance of me, I let you love and live life to value deeply to know that who you are is a part of who I am. That you in me share in all the ways I care for others, in all the ways I hold all things together. In midst of evil and sorrow, salvation exists in me and life,the real life inside this mortal life is me. As i sit, I hear the rapid sound of the second hand ticking away, but it doesn't touch the love and peace of the stillness of my heart lieing deep in him. "The peace I give is not the peace of the world" . My heart for you is that you will let his love be your teacher of himself that your joy may be full.

Valued Beyond

At times I just sit with myself in quiet heart, resting in the moment, enjoying that which consists not of mans movement or agenda. To exist as the trees do, growing, living,fulfilling this moments purpose, needing nothing more than what God created me to be.... alive. The rising morning sun breaks through and is felt on the limbs of my tree . without words I live in the Son. That God lives outside of time for the first time makes sense to me . Without time there is nothing to rob one of valuing in full. Gods love truly has no boundaries it is himself fully in all and through all. I exist and am so loved by the completeness of who he is. There is no need of time when his love is life. In the morning sunlight I watch my God live around me . All that has life is praising him. It is us human types that miss out, yet are so loved. Movement ever evident of life,better yet movement to his Spirit is Co living in God. May we all spend our time in awe that we are valued beyond it. "This world is not my home I'm just a pass in through". "Set your eyes above", and see he is holding your hand below. tedeetoe

Discovery of Beauty

Sharing in His Spirit which is not hindered by life's urgents, I am learning to value beauty with Him. I know that beauty is only valued if valued. So many pass by even knowing it is beautiful, but still pass by. Have you ever pulled weeds in a flower bed and only cared aboutgetting the weeds pulled? It is the way of the Father to show us how to walk in the dew of the morning and see the dew. A shared life, of seeing what he is showing me. A shared life of living everyday in tangible love between us. A shared life of the same heart beating. A shared life with the one who is life without end, full of light and beautiful delights that we had all along. Father thank you Open my eyes that I might behold the one who holds me in himself.

This youtube message has so much truth and beauty, enjoy the invitation.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GhOUaszMGvQ&feature=youtube_gdata_player

On Going Memorial

I recently listened to a woman share beautifully of her Father's service in the military. It was the beginning of my day of remembrance, latter on AnneBeth and I went to a cemetery on Bainbridge Island then in the evening we watched on TV the memorial service in Washington DC. What moved my heart this year was the sacrifice the loved ones at home continue to make in sorrow of love. They are the caretakers of those hurting around them when inside I am sure they just want to heal, to value, to honor their lost in quiet holiness. In a world where everyone around you wants you normal and happy the dark shadow of sorrow holds you at bay and it is not just another day it is this moment, this long moment without breath and unimaginable heart ache. Sorrow that is valuing the loss of the loved one. The often heard “gone but not forgotten” is the wallpaper of each day but do others see and value what I have lost? It appears not, except for those who will slow down enough to hold life with you. Only GOD can value the full depth of love, sorrow, it is the holiness of who he is that can hold what goes beyond my mind and heart. There seems to be no control to understand this journey apart from him. Willing myself to be different is futile and reeks with hypocrisy to the loved one, and to the reality of what is being felt and not seen . They say time heals all things, I would say GOD uses time to allow us to be a part of him valuing in full that which means so much to us and in doing so he heals us. Watching that which cannot be seen, feeling that which cannot be expressed yet inside is journeying through a war torn land of sorrow, we have only a nail pierced hand, yet it is enough for he leads with love when there is no light. Tiny things you would of never noticed now have value, these tiny things become the backdrop of new life, like small flowers that appear on a black war torn land after the war is over. The way you look and value love and kindness, the look in peoples eyes as they care deeply for the things that matter. New life reminders like babies and children playing not mindful of anything except the fun in front of their nose. And you see you are deeply richer in life because you did have that person in your life. Memorial day is not only for our soldiers that have paid the ultimate price but also their loved ones that continue Memorial onward.

Halfwit Whited

goot morning com radio
It is a gimp morning not much sleep last night and left foot is playing an orchestra of sinister impressions of "I've gout you babe". In between fog banks of myself I stretch out long minutes to be in Him with out the desire or need to think. Lately I have been seeing how everything apart from God is demanding me to do it's bidding, I watched a TV show last night, the show wanted me to think their way and of course the ads desired that as well. But Papa wants me to do in him what I have to do. In him regardless of the do, is still the constant company of himself. It is that knowing awareness of his living life in me for me in the middle of hurriedness. It is the shared relationship at a in between conscious and subconscious awareness of himself. Well thar ya go, that pretty much describes me self today, I reckon being a halfwit ain't so bad if HE is the other half.

Brain Bandit

Brain bandit The assault came silent, infiltrated through the busyness of what had to be done today. Each item that needed attention had with it a list of tasks innocent in appearance and very doable . A small amount of time goes by just enough to adjust in your mind it's place. Then the next item comes it too very doable, it too with it's list. Now the brain bandit has momentum he skillfully adds layer upon layer of tasks each requiring your examining,decision making.But the bandit doesn't stop with you just handling it, he plays the list over and over so you are constantly rethinking, and rethinking your list. This adds hurriedness to accomplish the tasks so as to lessen the mounting burdens. Yet ever so subtle he slips more and more tasks into your brain until it is so full you find ways to escape the pressure. Brain bandit's favorite way to escape is by anger, snaping at anyone over anything. Then comes complaining that others are not doing their share. Followed by criticizing the faults of others to lessen the burden you are caring. It is about this time you can almost hear his evil laughter but he is clever enough not to make it known. In your new state of hating and handling it all. You realize you hate your life and since you are hurting and desire relief you bring it home to share with your love ones. Brain Bandit then adds this to the list for those at home to bear and he chuckles again. Resentment,memories of happier days, if onlys make their home placating your packed full head. Work harder, be the man, handle it, handle it. Stired in with who really gives a rip and served with others getting recognition and appreciation for what you did makes your self perception , crap. Brain Bandit's motto for you is " if it's going to be it's up to me." He desires you live in your mind apart from God Spirit in your heart. He is the expert at attaching tasks and junk to an endless line of burdens and then tells you, you are that long line. And then for no extra charge he loves to convince you,you are a looser. From the very beginning our Heavenly Father desired we should live life here on earth IN HIM, Which means he in real time particapates in what we are doing. This is the way we heard it growing up, that we should be mindful of God and add him to our life. It doesn't work, and if it does it doesn't last. You can only think about pink elephants in the room so long and then you think of other things. The truth to being in him is being a part of his agenda not him being apart of yours. As long as you hold the agenda you have all the joy , honor responsibility of the burden of it. And since you are sacrificing so much to carry all that, you will try to get life's value out of what you are doing. Which always falls short of your need to be valued. The Fathers agenda is the answer, wake up and say Lord what do you want to do today? Now you still have to go to work, and put the garbage out at the curb and stop and fill up with gas. but the differance is you are letting the Father dictate and be the one doing these things and you are following him. It is not a mind set it is a heart set you are hanging out with him watching what he is doing while you are doing it with him. He is always communicating with love, which looks like a million different ways often incredibly tiny but he shares with you how they are significant to him. And he shares them with you as he is loving you. At the same time untwisting the twisted stuff in you, healing you, enjoying you, valuing you. In fact everything that Brain Bandit works so hard to destroy the Father sets right. And since he is far greater than Brain Bandit he is able to redeem back all those years of living the lies of Brain Bandit. Plus there is no one as incredible as the company of GOD! Walking with him watching what he shows you, living with him is being loved. He is the completer the filler of the empty holes in ones heart. And he fills all day long. He is the river of himself inside you all the time, always loving. And you can have as much of him as you want. He takes that long lists of tasks and says follow me through the next one. Do you see that I am holding them? Do you see that I am not worried? Now look to me I will give you a portion to hold, I am letting you be a part of what I am doing. But it is important that you don't grab more than what I am asking you to hold. The key is keep feeding off how much I love you and am able to handle this list. You concentrate on your heart to me, following what I am doing and in return your mind will find peace. I will lead your mind by your heart, by all the receiving you get from me. You will learn that I can lead your life better than you. I will win you to trust me, you will see that I know you the real you more than you know your self. And I will lead you through incredible discoveries of who you are and who I am for you are a part of me far more than you are able to know. All this is done in our every days as we walk through the complicated mess of life. I am savior the one who saves his children from their messes. I am the one who is in every molecule seen and unseen of every problem. And I chose love, look for me in love for saving you out of messes of your making. Love is me, I lead by love, I heal by love, I inspire by love, and I love you, love you, love you! So if Brain Bandit comes at you let go of his hand or your own hand and grab mine for it is always there to love you, love you, love you!

The hammock of the moment

Good morning it is 4 AM the world is slower it has not awaken. Darkness blankets the speed of hurriedness and we all take a break. In quiet, stillness, I sit with papa, we don't have to go or do, just enjoy stillness. Being with God is very different, it is a life that is always off kilt, for he is always up to something and sometimes the most unusual is what he is not doing in hurriedness but in stillness. Off kilt and always spot on, in all ways, especially in love. Following him is watching him,being a part of what he is doing in the smack dab on what you are doing. Being mindful of what he might want you to see or do with him. And then there are those times like now where one can rest empty headed and enjoy the moment at hand, just because it is the moment at hand. Sickness is often a time when one lives in moments of time unencumbered with thoughts except the company of pain. Brain function goes out the door and grey daaaaaaaaaaaa takes it place. Yet in the grey daaaaaaaa Papa is there. Physical work is also times when Papa allows me in him to rest mentally. I believe one reason people enjoy gardening, is that nature does not travel the speed of man and to be a part of that world is to be away from our hurried world. The speed of our Fathers Spirit in us is life and light, it is salvation to our hurried self. One needs to walk so attentively to live in the spirit,in the slightest breathe he changes, each change turns my heart inward, deeper in him. This morning I get to sit here and swing in the hammock of the moment with him. Thank you Papa. You are the Papa of everyday moments I need so badly.

Setting my sail to the wind of his journey

Stillness lets me see who I am in him and who I'm not , It reveals what I grab apart from him I never really needed. All I hung on to, tried to achieve, robbed me from all I could of had. robbed me of his peace, his company, his Gentleness, his plans for me to be in him. Stillness allows me to live in the length of the present moment with him. ted be still and know the million ways I love you and how deep you are in me, for ever. Papa I lift my fragile, guarded heart and rest it deep in you .... I get to lay still , covered in your bright light of warm delight.. The world doesn't have anything that compares to you Father, so I'm just a passing through setting my sail to the wind of your journey.

Farm yard close The black and white Sheep , Charlie , sniffed the air and said I think he's coming. Judy who had the whitest coat of all the sheep in the stable said,"you better be right this time, I have missed him so much". Sure enough from down the road came the shepherd, he was enjoying the morning sunshine on his face and talking to his Heavenly Father who he loved so much. Charlie noticed that Rocky the Ram had spotted the Shepherd, but turned and walked back inside the stable to the darkest corner w here he stuck his head under a bunch of straw and cried quietly. Charlie looked at Rocky and then at the Shepherd, who now was sitting on a large rock way down by chicken shed. Why isn't he coming? Asked Judy, I don't know, maybe he's forgot how much we look forward to seeing him? Charlie replied. He doesn't forget anything he loves us all the time. Judy said forcefully. Well there he is over there and we are right here, why doesn't he come over? George the grey haired old goat wandered over, he was the smartest animal in the farm yard. Hey George , Judy said what's up with the shepherd, how come he doesn't come over here where we are? Old George the goat smiled affectionately at the shepherd sitting on the rock so far away and said, in his old goat voice said, you want him here? All you have to do is Close both eyes and see him with the other eye. What? Said Charlie you're crazy, if I close both eyes how can I see him? Old George just smiled and said I can, think about it. And he walked over to a sunny spot and laid down contentedly. He's crazy, Charlie said to Lucy. But Lucy was deep in thought, I don't know, he is the smartest animal on the farm, I just can't figure out how by closing my eyes I can get our shepherd over here to where we are. Charlie's attention went back to where Rocky was still crying under the straw. Judy what's wrong with Rocky? Oh I don't know he is always so moody gloomy. I just wish the shepherd would get here, he always tells me every morning that he loves me. Judy said. Mable the white face cow overhears what was just said and joins in, Can't he love you from over there on the rock? Doesn't he still love you even when he is away from you? He is not only over there on the rock, he is also right here... for right now we know we are loved and being loved. Judy thought about this and had to agree that yes she did know the shepherd loved her and was always loving her. Was this what the old goat meant in seeing with an eye when both eyes were closed? Charlie couldn't stand it any longer he went into the stable over to where Rocky the ram had his head under a bunch of straw. Rocky he said gently, are you OK? Leave me alone, nobody cares about me. What's wrong I care about you, said Charlie. I'm a ram the only ram on the farm nobody likes me because I am always rammimg into everyone and they get mad when I do it. Why don't you stop ramming into us asked charlie? I don't know I'm just not good in that area of my life yet. A lot of times I want to be and then a lot of times I don't want to be. And because of it nobody likes me. Charlie looks down the long driveway where the shepherd is still sitting on the rock, he can see him yawning and stretching just enjoying the moment in the morning sunshine. Why doesn't he come and take care of Rocky, He is so good at caring and loving. Looking at Rocky again Charlie says, ROCKY look at me I care about you and yes you do ram us a lot but you are a part of us, we are all a part of being the farm animal family. Really? Says Rocky Yes Really now come on lets go out and wait together for the shepherd. Right then the old goat walks by and says the shepherd is already here! Charlie rolls his eyes and says to Rocky that old goat gets crazier all the time, certainly he can see the shepherd is still way down the road sitting on the rock. The two of them join up with Mable the cow, Judy the sheep and the old goat waiting for the shepherd. There he is, why doesn't he come Judy says, I love him so much I wish I could do something for him. Old George the goat says, Charlie could show you how. What! Said Judy what has Charlie ever done for the shepherd? Ask Rocky and the old goat said and walked away. I tell you they don't call him crazy goat for nothing. So Charlie what have you done for the shepherd? Nothing, how could I he is way down there and I am right here. Mable the cow thought for a long time while looking at the shepherd way down the road. Let me get this straight she said, he's down there, were up here, but he still loves us and is loving us right now. So isn't he here even though he's there? YOU are going old goat crazy in the head. Said Charlie Am I? are you not loved and being loved right now Charlie? Yeah I suppose I am, well I know I am. Then it makes sense that the shepherd is with us right here. I suppose so but it is a little different. Being both and all. But it is still true! Mable replied. Isn't it interesting how many things happen to you before something occurs to you....... Said the old goat as he walked up to the animals at the fence, it reminds me of Tango the city dog that came to visit us on the farm and as soon as he got here he bolted out of the car and ran away. Then the shepherd sent old Toby the sheep dog who was snoring on the front porch to go get him. Lazily Toby got up and wandered off and found Tango 3 miles away all pooped out. Remember what Toby asked Tango the city dog? Yes said Mable the cow, He asked what in tarnations are you doing or running to Tango? And Tango said I don't know, I always run when the door is open to get outside. That's right old George said, And then what did Toby the sheep dog say to Tango the city dog? You don't have to run and get what you already have. Here you have all of the outside all the time so come let's go back I have a nap back on the porch I need to finish. So what's your point old George, asked Charlie? You need to figure out if you are Toby dog or a Tango dog. old George the goat said as he chewed on an old boot he found in the barn. Just then the stable mouse , Mushy runs along the fence railing is he here yet he asks? Yes and no Mable replies Mushy screws up his mouse nose and tries to make sense of Mable says. Don't even bother , says Judy. Mushy notices Rocky and says, Rocky, Rocky, Rocky, you are the most wonderful ram I have ever met, you never ram me over. You are as kind to me as the shepherd is. The way I look at you is that your kindness is love and we all know that all love comes from the shepherd. So when you love me he is loving me. Rocky the ram eyes begin to tear up. You mean I get to be a part of the shepherd and all he is when I love others? Yep he is in you and you are smack dab in him. So that is what the old goat meant when he said of Charlie that the shepherd was here when Charlie showed me kindness. You got that right.said Mushy Even right now look how much we are enjoying loving the shepherd even though he is down there on that rock at the same time he is right here in our hearts and we get to love him and be loved. The shepherd got up, stretched and walked up to the animals in the farm yard. He said you already know don't you? The animals looked at each other and they did know. Tell me then,said the shepherd Judy the sheep said, All the time we know we belong to you Rocky the ram said . All the time we know you care what is happening to us. Mushy the mouse said, All the time we are never a part from you even though we can't see you. And most of all, the shepherd asks , WE ARE LOVED, LOVED, LOVED! Said all the animals together OH YES YOU ARE , AND HAVE ALWAYS BEEN AND WILL ALWAYS BE. COME HERE, AND HE HUGGED THEM ALL AND WINKED AT THE OLD GOAT WHO WAS SMILING chewing on an old boot in sunnyest spot in the farmyard.

A Trip To the Store

Toby looked at the sunlight filtering through the limbs of the trees, he noticed ants and the crocuses living out this spring day. Others around him were asking questions, talking about all that had to be done, he was there with them but he also was with the moment of the colors and the life of spring.
His heart was open to his heavenly Father, Where life use to flash past, now it was in step to the agenda of his heavenly Papa.
John was asking him a question about the new store that opened over the weekend, he looked at him loved him, answered his question and smiled at the dog that had found the warm spot in sunshine. Inside he shared with Papa the truth the dog knew but few others could understand.
Matthew was telling John that if they got at it, they could get to the new store and get home with enough time to go over the monthly statements that needed to get out by the end of the day.
Noticing both looking at their watches Toby rested with Papa in the thought that the times are in his hands and he enjoyed how good it felt to just to rest in the love of trusting.
Come on Toby we gotta go John said as open the old station wagon door and crawled in. Heading down the road John asked Toby for the list of things they needed to pick up, Toby recited the list and his heart was still open to the moment with Papa, the head cold he had was making his morning brain a little slower ,he wasn’t a morning person and asked Papa if he intentionally created morning and non-morning people.
He could sense Papa smile and he shared the thought that there was priests that were in charge of the night watches in the tabernacle . And what makes you think the night is less important than the day he sensed Papa chuckle.
As they drove, a spring shower rained, Matthew turned on the radio to some country music, John was using the opportunity to express his true feeling on the stupidity of such trash.
Toby just sat with an open heart no thoughts just sat in his spirit with Papa’s spirit going down the road the rain falling just being in the moment together with a head cold.
At the grocery store Toby looked to see, it was the way he lived with Papa looking to see what Papa was showing him to see with him. Toby called it co-seeing with Papa what sounded weird to other folk but Toby didn’t mind, Toby had co-seeing, co-hearing, Co-talking, Co-singing, co-thinking and best of all co-loving which was actually in all of them.
Together they looked to see others in the store, Toby would respond to the father when the father in his heart moved him and they shared the moment.
It wasn’t huge experiences as others would think to be significant. In fact it was incredibly small experiences that Papa gave such huge value to.
A shared small big thing of the heart between Papa and Toby.
Just another of the million ways Papa told Toby he loved him, loved him, loved him.
There were smiles, and kindnesses so very small but sparkled to Toby with Papa delight.
John was bent that plain yogurt was better for you than flavored yogurt, Matthew was more interested in the snickers bars 2 for a dollar.
Toby rolled his eyes and enjoyed who they were, they were so valuable, so cherished by Papa and at the same time they were so one of a kind Characters.
In the produce area Toby found a grapefruit he knew his wife would love and a bag of chocolates he would sneak into his mom’s house. Here she was 87 years old and was still bent on dieting. He would spoil her because it was his delight to do so. He then heard Ahem from Papa’s heart and the thought “because we like to,” was shared between the two of them.
Back in the car heading home , the sound of snickers bar wrappers and intense discussion on the financial success of a snickers yogurt campaign that would change the world forever, Toby co-smiles.

Grey is beautiful

I have been holding all of you so dear in my heart.
Your present journey brings back so many memories to my life, I have no intention in writing to instruct you but just use you as a victim for me to reflect on what I have learned as an illness hobbyist.
Keeping company with the king can put you in some interesting hospital beds enduring times of weary grey pain.
In my experience , I fought and hated the grey weary pain. Then when the battle was so long, I realized grey was a color our Father created and it was "good" .
It is hard to believe that grey is a part of his glory until he reveals so much of himself through it, you change your value of the color.
Pain and endure never were virtues folk stuck on their refrigerator door to aspire to, but the journey of holding elongated pain is a part of living in Christ that pulls us deeper into who he is and who we are.
My journey discovering this started many years ago when I was a kid, Uncle Ted who of course had the same hobby as I do now was often sick.
He said "Ted , pain only lasts so long then it quits, look at the length of the pain and know that it will go away. Look at the intensity of the pain and know that it will go away eventually.
Well that did help psychologically, but boy, how I have been surprised by how long and how intense pain can be. What he really did was turn me toward the pain and not fight against it.The father then showed me latter that all this was the color of his glory.
Isn't it so like God to use what makes no sense and hurts so much for so many in so many ways to have value.
I think it was Bonhoeffer that said the reason sorrow hurts so much is that it reflects the incredible value of the loss.
I remember the many times seeing the pain of sorrow , my wife had for me when I was in so much pain,
I wished with all my heart I could prevent her from that experience but it is also so cherished a gift to me that she loved me so much.
It brings to mind the shared sufferings of Christ that Paul talks about that I was never really excited to embrace,I am sure that was on the bottom of my to do list.
Having the illness hobby is a full time job,in a bazaar type of way between the scratching of every one's head of what is wrong and how can we fix this person, to the actual body enduring the pains, to your body feeling like a test tube they pour chemicals into, to the constant int eruptions from needles, blood pressure cuffs to the whole feel of the environment,,It is exhausting ,
but there is also the LOVE,
The kindness of nurses and folk that visit , that so unselfishly battled their way down to the hospital found their parking place, found your room just to give you love. You might not be able to even handle their love because of what you are physically feeling, but it did leave an impression of the Father's love to you that is so deeply cherished.
For IN THE MIDST OF CHAOS LOVE prevails and continues to be life giving.
Co-looking at the loves he points me to see is about all I can handle when in pain my mind is only connecting about 3 dots. But in him,in his love is life and in love I am in the deepest part of who he is, and all my love ones can hold me there in him.

Isn't that connectedness so incredible, together we hold each other in deepest, richest, part of God. How many times has our Heavenly Papa gently cupped our face and turned our head to see his face to see how much he loves the person we love, to assure us that their isn't a molecule of any second that he isn't fully a part of being there with him.
No wonder we can trust him so much, he is so trustworthy!
Held in Love, in all, through all, above all, nothing exists that he isn't fully a part of, all of this by hanging onto his hand. Oh what a nail pierced hand of love for me, for us.
Love you, love you, love you,
Little petite teddy